Dilemma

So once again I am faced with a family dilemma. I'm used to family drama and dysfunction, but this healing process has brought a whole new dimension to it. Asher's grandfather is here visiting, which is great, but...that means a large family gathering. Normally not a big deal, I mean, who doesn't love huge family dinners at the farm with a fire going and wine to drink?!? The problem this time? Ash's best friend,Shawn, his girlfriend, Ash's brother Isaac and his girlfriend will all be there. Again, not normally a big deal. So what makes this time different? Both Shawn's girlfriend and Isaac's girlfriend are pregnant. I seem destined to be surrounded by pregnant women.

Once again I will be surrounded by life mothers. I call them life mothers because they either already have living children or are currently pregnant with healthy babies. I can't say I'm surrounded by simply "mothers." I AM a mother too. I'm just a different type of mother. I'm a childless mother. Every other woman there except for me, will be a life mother. I don't resent them what they have, I just hurt for me. So here's the dilemma. Do I go and put on the "happy face," or do I bow out and deny myself the family dinner at the farm? It's one of those self-pity days where it doesn't seem fair that I have to choose.

I can't stand hearing all about their pregnancies, all their happy chatter. Or even worse...that maybe they aren't excited about the impending births! Either way, they are entitled to however they feel. Just as I have the right to protect my mental health. Will I ever be able to be around pregnant women/life mothers without feeling like I'm on the outside looking in? If Dante's hell truly exists, than being a childless mother must be what it feels like. So many times I feel like if I had never gotten pregnant, if I didn't know what I was missing, I would be so much better off. However, as soon as I start to think like that, I instantly feel disloyal to Kaycie and what she meant to me. ARGH! It's enough to drive a person to drink! Hmmm...when will Ash be home with that wine?

I am very lucky that Ash's mom and dad understand how I feel. So does Ash. If I were to say "I just can't do it, please let everyone know I wasn't feeling well." All would be ok. No one would make me feel guilty, no one would try and make me go. If I do go and just can't handle it, no one will fault be for excusing myself and bowing out early. I guess that is what I will end up doing. Go and see how long I can make it for. One step at a time. Better pick up some more wine.

Where to start?

I honestly have no idea where to begin or how to treat this blog. Do I treat it like a diary, completely uncensored and rambling? Do I treat it as a way to communicate with friends, family, and anyone who connects with me? Do I write always mindful that anyone on the internet may read and either hate or love what I have to say? I suppose these questions will take care of themselves over time. I can't be (or write) anything other than myself. I don't want this to be a blog about how unfair/horrible life is and full of doom and gloom. I want it to be an honest reflection of my life. Not only of what I am currently going through, but also what I have been through. My musings on life in general. The things that make this world good, and the things that make it bad!

An important note to start this blog. I've created it in honour of my angel daughter, Kaycie Lily. Stillborn at 20weeks 6days, June 17, 2009. Her story has become my story and I write both for her and because of her. I will tell her story eventually and her short life will figure prominently into all of my writings, but it is much too long to tell in one short introduction. To sit and tell her story is sad, and heartbreaking, and brutal, and a story no mother should have to tell. I think it is best if her story comes out in bits and pieces. Reflecting the impact she has had on me.

I'm inviting all of you into my world as I continue stumbling along this journey. Aided by good friends, family, and hundreds of other women with similar stories that I have yet to meet. Welcome!