Dilemma

So once again I am faced with a family dilemma. I'm used to family drama and dysfunction, but this healing process has brought a whole new dimension to it. Asher's grandfather is here visiting, which is great, but...that means a large family gathering. Normally not a big deal, I mean, who doesn't love huge family dinners at the farm with a fire going and wine to drink?!? The problem this time? Ash's best friend,Shawn, his girlfriend, Ash's brother Isaac and his girlfriend will all be there. Again, not normally a big deal. So what makes this time different? Both Shawn's girlfriend and Isaac's girlfriend are pregnant. I seem destined to be surrounded by pregnant women.

Once again I will be surrounded by life mothers. I call them life mothers because they either already have living children or are currently pregnant with healthy babies. I can't say I'm surrounded by simply "mothers." I AM a mother too. I'm just a different type of mother. I'm a childless mother. Every other woman there except for me, will be a life mother. I don't resent them what they have, I just hurt for me. So here's the dilemma. Do I go and put on the "happy face," or do I bow out and deny myself the family dinner at the farm? It's one of those self-pity days where it doesn't seem fair that I have to choose.

I can't stand hearing all about their pregnancies, all their happy chatter. Or even worse...that maybe they aren't excited about the impending births! Either way, they are entitled to however they feel. Just as I have the right to protect my mental health. Will I ever be able to be around pregnant women/life mothers without feeling like I'm on the outside looking in? If Dante's hell truly exists, than being a childless mother must be what it feels like. So many times I feel like if I had never gotten pregnant, if I didn't know what I was missing, I would be so much better off. However, as soon as I start to think like that, I instantly feel disloyal to Kaycie and what she meant to me. ARGH! It's enough to drive a person to drink! Hmmm...when will Ash be home with that wine?

I am very lucky that Ash's mom and dad understand how I feel. So does Ash. If I were to say "I just can't do it, please let everyone know I wasn't feeling well." All would be ok. No one would make me feel guilty, no one would try and make me go. If I do go and just can't handle it, no one will fault be for excusing myself and bowing out early. I guess that is what I will end up doing. Go and see how long I can make it for. One step at a time. Better pick up some more wine.