Hi everyone!
Life has been crazy lately as I try very very hard to get Prairie into a schedule. However, just wanted to send my sister a huge "THANK YOU!" for the awesome banner she did for this blog. It looks great sis!
Prairie and I have a big trip coming up to Edmonton at the end of this week but I promise to have another post up before we leave :)
January 31, 2011
January 18, 2011
Prairie's Birth Story
Prairie's birth story actually begins the day before she was born on Saturday, October 30, 2010. I had gone to the city to do some shopping, run some errands and do some visiting. I was supposed to stay in the city for longer than I actually did, but I was exhausted and just wanted to get home. By the time I got home that evening, my back was aching and I just felt generally "blah." Crashing at 11:30pm I figured I would feel better in the morning.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I woke up at 2:30am due to some mild cramping. Obviously it wasn't that mild if it woke me up, but I say mild because it was nowhere near as painful as my PMS cramps. I tossed and turned and fell back asleep until 5:30am. This time when I woke up I noticed that the cramps were coming quite regularly. I shrugged it off and decided to get up. Puttering around the house working on a secret project I kept one eye on the clock. At 9:30am I mentioned to the Sperm Donor that they were coming quite regularly. I decided to shower and see if that stopped them.
In the shower they appeared to stop so I just assumed it was Braxton Hicks and settled down to chat with the Sperm Donor as he played a video game. I kept asking him for the time and the cramps were consistently 5 mins apart. I was slowly thinking this may be it, but didn't want to go to the hospital in false labour. At 11:30am I went to the washroom and noticed some blood. Panic quickly set in. With shaking hands I threw some clothes into a bag, the dogs into the car and told the Sperm Donor I was heading into the city to get checked out.
Many people have asked me why I didn't have the Sperm Donor drive me in. The simple answer is that he tends to be...a drama queen (for lack of a better term). He was already saying things like "you can't be in labour" and "it's too early." The last thing I needed was to hear that for the entire two hour drive! As the cramps/contractions were still bearable I had hopes that I could make it to the city. I figured worst case scenario I stop in one of the towns along the way that had a hospital.
Shortly into the drive the contractions moved to 2-3 minutes apart. That's when I knew that this was probably it. They were getting a little more painful, but were still bearable. I called my sister and Y to give them a heads up. Both said exactly what I needed to hear. They didn't panic, just asked to be kept updated.
I made it to the city and was still feeling moderately OK. I met up with my dad and gave him the dogs to take care of then continued on to the hospital. Walking into the emergency room I think I gave the security guard a panic attack. He took one look at me (walking in mid contraction) and shoved a wheelchair at me saying "sit in this." Really, I would have preferred to stand and walk around, but decided to not force the issue. They rushed me through the admitting process and while they were finishing up the paperwork, I had an interesting exchange with the male admitting clerk. He asked me how I got to the hospital and I explained I drove myself in from out of town. He arrogantly informed me "you can't be in labour then. If you were, there is no way you would be able to drive yourself." Yup, I showed him!
Y and my mom met me at the hospital and I was quickly hooked up to some monitors. The doctor arrived to check me and informed me I was 4-5cm dilated and fully effaced. Baby girl was coming and coming quickly! This was at 3:15pm. Y called the Sperm Donor to let him know I was in labour and he had better start driving. How I would have loved to listen in to that phone call! My sis also got in her vehicle and started driving (a 6 hour drive). I was moved to the delivery room and once again hooked up to monitors. As I was progressing so quickly, the room quickly filled with a ton of people asking me all kinds of questions.
As I was 33 weeks and 3 days gestation I asked the doctor what I was looking at in terms of survivability. Although I knew it was pretty good, I just needed the reassurance. She told me "as of 32 weeks, they're as good out as they are in but she may have a short stay in the NICU." That instantly made me feel better and I was ready to get down to the business of delivering my rainbow baby!
At 5:30pm my water still hadn't broken so they broke it for me. One word...OUCH! I had wanted a natural labour and had so far turned down all pain medication. Y was doing a great job keeping me focused and relaxed. Thanks for the 45min straight shoulder rub Y!!!
At 6pm things were starting to get dicey. Baby girl's heart rate was dropping during each contraction. There was a cord wrapped somewhere and the doctor's couldn't reach it. By 7:30pm they told me I had one hour to get her out naturally before they took her by c-section.
Shortly after that my body started pushing involuntarily. I had absolutely no control over it. They checked me again and although I was 9-10cm dilated, I still had an anterior lip that needed to move. I took an epidural at that point to stop the involuntary pushing. Shortly after that I was ready to push and I think I only had to push through two or three contractions. They did use the vacuum and forceps however.
At 8:11pm, my beautiful little girl entered the world! She was whisked across the room by the NICU team so they could check her breathing. Thankfully we heard her cry fairly quickly. I was even able to hold her for a minute or so before they took her down to the NICU. A quick shower, room change, and sandwich for me and we were told we could go to the NICU to see our daughter. I think I was still in shock that she had arrived...on Halloween...on the anniversary of Kaycie's first EDD (estimated due date). So surreal! Added to all of this, the Sperm Donor's brother's girlfriend also had her baby 45 mins after me. Cousins born 45 minutes apart!
So much of that day is a blur. I wish I could remember it more clearly, but ultimately the only thing that mattered to me was that my rainbow baby had arrived safely. The rest was icing on the cake.
There are no words strong enough to convey my feelings of being able to hold my daughter for the first time. I was flooded with emotions. Joy of welcoming her, mingled with sadness and grieving for my angel daughter Kaycie. Each day is a miracle that I celebrate and treasure. I will never take these little moments for granted. Thank you Kaycie for another gift you have given me...your sister and gratitude for everything in my life!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I woke up at 2:30am due to some mild cramping. Obviously it wasn't that mild if it woke me up, but I say mild because it was nowhere near as painful as my PMS cramps. I tossed and turned and fell back asleep until 5:30am. This time when I woke up I noticed that the cramps were coming quite regularly. I shrugged it off and decided to get up. Puttering around the house working on a secret project I kept one eye on the clock. At 9:30am I mentioned to the Sperm Donor that they were coming quite regularly. I decided to shower and see if that stopped them.
In the shower they appeared to stop so I just assumed it was Braxton Hicks and settled down to chat with the Sperm Donor as he played a video game. I kept asking him for the time and the cramps were consistently 5 mins apart. I was slowly thinking this may be it, but didn't want to go to the hospital in false labour. At 11:30am I went to the washroom and noticed some blood. Panic quickly set in. With shaking hands I threw some clothes into a bag, the dogs into the car and told the Sperm Donor I was heading into the city to get checked out.
Many people have asked me why I didn't have the Sperm Donor drive me in. The simple answer is that he tends to be...a drama queen (for lack of a better term). He was already saying things like "you can't be in labour" and "it's too early." The last thing I needed was to hear that for the entire two hour drive! As the cramps/contractions were still bearable I had hopes that I could make it to the city. I figured worst case scenario I stop in one of the towns along the way that had a hospital.
Shortly into the drive the contractions moved to 2-3 minutes apart. That's when I knew that this was probably it. They were getting a little more painful, but were still bearable. I called my sister and Y to give them a heads up. Both said exactly what I needed to hear. They didn't panic, just asked to be kept updated.
I made it to the city and was still feeling moderately OK. I met up with my dad and gave him the dogs to take care of then continued on to the hospital. Walking into the emergency room I think I gave the security guard a panic attack. He took one look at me (walking in mid contraction) and shoved a wheelchair at me saying "sit in this." Really, I would have preferred to stand and walk around, but decided to not force the issue. They rushed me through the admitting process and while they were finishing up the paperwork, I had an interesting exchange with the male admitting clerk. He asked me how I got to the hospital and I explained I drove myself in from out of town. He arrogantly informed me "you can't be in labour then. If you were, there is no way you would be able to drive yourself." Yup, I showed him!
Y and my mom met me at the hospital and I was quickly hooked up to some monitors. The doctor arrived to check me and informed me I was 4-5cm dilated and fully effaced. Baby girl was coming and coming quickly! This was at 3:15pm. Y called the Sperm Donor to let him know I was in labour and he had better start driving. How I would have loved to listen in to that phone call! My sis also got in her vehicle and started driving (a 6 hour drive). I was moved to the delivery room and once again hooked up to monitors. As I was progressing so quickly, the room quickly filled with a ton of people asking me all kinds of questions.
As I was 33 weeks and 3 days gestation I asked the doctor what I was looking at in terms of survivability. Although I knew it was pretty good, I just needed the reassurance. She told me "as of 32 weeks, they're as good out as they are in but she may have a short stay in the NICU." That instantly made me feel better and I was ready to get down to the business of delivering my rainbow baby!
At 5:30pm my water still hadn't broken so they broke it for me. One word...OUCH! I had wanted a natural labour and had so far turned down all pain medication. Y was doing a great job keeping me focused and relaxed. Thanks for the 45min straight shoulder rub Y!!!
At 6pm things were starting to get dicey. Baby girl's heart rate was dropping during each contraction. There was a cord wrapped somewhere and the doctor's couldn't reach it. By 7:30pm they told me I had one hour to get her out naturally before they took her by c-section.
Shortly after that my body started pushing involuntarily. I had absolutely no control over it. They checked me again and although I was 9-10cm dilated, I still had an anterior lip that needed to move. I took an epidural at that point to stop the involuntary pushing. Shortly after that I was ready to push and I think I only had to push through two or three contractions. They did use the vacuum and forceps however.
At 8:11pm, my beautiful little girl entered the world! She was whisked across the room by the NICU team so they could check her breathing. Thankfully we heard her cry fairly quickly. I was even able to hold her for a minute or so before they took her down to the NICU. A quick shower, room change, and sandwich for me and we were told we could go to the NICU to see our daughter. I think I was still in shock that she had arrived...on Halloween...on the anniversary of Kaycie's first EDD (estimated due date). So surreal! Added to all of this, the Sperm Donor's brother's girlfriend also had her baby 45 mins after me. Cousins born 45 minutes apart!
So much of that day is a blur. I wish I could remember it more clearly, but ultimately the only thing that mattered to me was that my rainbow baby had arrived safely. The rest was icing on the cake.
There are no words strong enough to convey my feelings of being able to hold my daughter for the first time. I was flooded with emotions. Joy of welcoming her, mingled with sadness and grieving for my angel daughter Kaycie. Each day is a miracle that I celebrate and treasure. I will never take these little moments for granted. Thank you Kaycie for another gift you have given me...your sister and gratitude for everything in my life!
January 17, 2011
Everybody's got a story
I know I still need to post Prairie's birth story as well as a few other posts before I can get to posting about our every day life but there are still a few things that I need to get off my chest.
I've been following this blog for some time now. This woman was due to have her baby around the same time as I was due to have Prairie. Instead, she had her daughter at the end of September. A micro-preemie ie: one who decided she didn't need a third trimester. Still in the NICU, they're hopeful they'll get to go home some time in February. Prairie and I only did 16 days in the NICU, and that was more than enough for me so I can only imagine how she feels about being there for months! In her blog she speaks very honestly about watching other parents take their babies home and the obvious feelings of frustration and jealousy she has over that.
I completely understand. I get it. However, I can't help but wonder what she would of thought of me had she seen me in the NICU. I very likely would have been one of the parents she had ill feelings towards simply because of my child's gestational age. (Her words, not mine) My point is this....everybody's got a story. Yes, we only did 16 days in the NICU and yes, Prairie was very fortunate to be healthy and just need to grow before we could go home. But that doesn't erase what happened to Kaycie. For me, the NICU was a step up. At least my daughter was here, alive, and had a fighting chance! That in itself was such a huge blessing that it allowed me to better cope with the NICU. The average person seeing me there would never know the devastating loss I've endured. It is so easy to sit back and have negative feelings towards someone because you view them as "lucky".
You never know if that grocery store clerk, taxi driver, or countless other people you encounter on a daily basis are going through something extraordinarily devastating in their personal life. Be kind, be patient, and remember..."everybody's got a story that would break your heart."
I've been following this blog for some time now. This woman was due to have her baby around the same time as I was due to have Prairie. Instead, she had her daughter at the end of September. A micro-preemie ie: one who decided she didn't need a third trimester. Still in the NICU, they're hopeful they'll get to go home some time in February. Prairie and I only did 16 days in the NICU, and that was more than enough for me so I can only imagine how she feels about being there for months! In her blog she speaks very honestly about watching other parents take their babies home and the obvious feelings of frustration and jealousy she has over that.
I completely understand. I get it. However, I can't help but wonder what she would of thought of me had she seen me in the NICU. I very likely would have been one of the parents she had ill feelings towards simply because of my child's gestational age. (Her words, not mine) My point is this....everybody's got a story. Yes, we only did 16 days in the NICU and yes, Prairie was very fortunate to be healthy and just need to grow before we could go home. But that doesn't erase what happened to Kaycie. For me, the NICU was a step up. At least my daughter was here, alive, and had a fighting chance! That in itself was such a huge blessing that it allowed me to better cope with the NICU. The average person seeing me there would never know the devastating loss I've endured. It is so easy to sit back and have negative feelings towards someone because you view them as "lucky".
You never know if that grocery store clerk, taxi driver, or countless other people you encounter on a daily basis are going through something extraordinarily devastating in their personal life. Be kind, be patient, and remember..."everybody's got a story that would break your heart."
January 5, 2011
A long road home
May 2008 I made the decision to go off the pill. I decided I was at an age that if I wanted to have a baby it was now or never. I wasn't actively trying to get pregnant, just not preventing.
Two pregnancies, a major move, and 30 months later I finally brought home a healthy baby. What a journey. I can't believe that it was over two and a half years ago - almost three - that I decided to "not prevent." It feels like a lifetime ago. I've done alot of thinking about the journey and, if given the chance, would I go back and change it all. Not go through with it. Obviously the answer is no. If I did that I wouldn't have all I learned from Kaycie and I wouldn't have Prairie. It was definitely a long tough road though. One that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. I found the following poem and adapted it to fit my situation:
A Mother's Oath
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will understand more.
I will understand more not because of genetics, or luck or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have sat in the NICU and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at my surviving miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her and that I am not waking from another nightmare of what could happen or because I am crying tears of fear of the unknown.
I will be happy because my baby is alive and crying out for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that my previous loss has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by a fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
Author Unknown (adapted by me)
Sometimes, success in life can only be determined by whether or not you survived.
...from saying goodbye to Kaycie
...to a high-risk pregnancy
...to a 6 week early delivery of a preemie and over 2 weeks in the NICU
...to finally bringing home a healthy baby
...I have survived.
Two pregnancies, a major move, and 30 months later I finally brought home a healthy baby. What a journey. I can't believe that it was over two and a half years ago - almost three - that I decided to "not prevent." It feels like a lifetime ago. I've done alot of thinking about the journey and, if given the chance, would I go back and change it all. Not go through with it. Obviously the answer is no. If I did that I wouldn't have all I learned from Kaycie and I wouldn't have Prairie. It was definitely a long tough road though. One that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. I found the following poem and adapted it to fit my situation:
A Mother's Oath
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will understand more.
I will understand more not because of genetics, or luck or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have sat in the NICU and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at my surviving miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her and that I am not waking from another nightmare of what could happen or because I am crying tears of fear of the unknown.
I will be happy because my baby is alive and crying out for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that my previous loss has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by a fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
Author Unknown (adapted by me)
Sometimes, success in life can only be determined by whether or not you survived.
...from saying goodbye to Kaycie
...to a high-risk pregnancy
...to a 6 week early delivery of a preemie and over 2 weeks in the NICU
...to finally bringing home a healthy baby
...I have survived.
January 4, 2011
Never Say Never
It has been so long since I've posted anything and I really need to do ALOT of catching up! However, before I start posting about my current life and everything that has gone on in the past two months, I just need to get something off my chest.
When I first got pregnant with Kaycie, I joined an online group of mothers all expecting around the same date. It was fun to read about everyone else's journey and know that many of them faced the same issues and questions. However, after losing Kaycie I realized that I no longer belonged there. During my pregnancy with Prairie, I definitely did not belong there. I mean really...I just couldn't care about types of strollers or whether to formula feed or breast feed. I had much more important concerns. At first, I didn't even go near that particular website. However, as I got more and more positive news about Prairie I started to check in on it. I rarely posted but I read along.
The one day I did post it was after a group of women were discussing prenatal testing and ultrasounds and whether or not to do it. There was, of course, the uber-pious types who self-righteously proclaimed "I would NEVER have an abortion, so why test or have an ultrasound?" Needless to say, this irked me beyond belief. I posted my story and basically told them all to kiss my ass. Not nice, I know. But they ticked me off! Most of them fell all over themselves saying: "well, of course, that is a different story." etc etc.
Anyway, I recently went back and read up on the ladies birth stories to see how everyone else was doing. What I read broke my heart. One woman (who declined testing) found out at birth that her baby had serious heart problems and had to be air lifted to the nearest children's hospital. Luckily, her baby will be ok after receiving heart surgery. "Lucky" being a relative term.
Another woman wasn't so "lucky." Her son was born right on schedule and was over 8lbs. However, after a few hours, they noticed he was having seizures and problems breathing. They started running tests and what they found was devastating. This baby is completely "brain dead" in her words. He will never have any quality of life. In a hospital 6 hours away from where they live, they had to make the decision to remove him from life support and "let nature take its course." While I'm devastated for her, I can't help but wonder if the doctor's would have been able to find the problems using tests.
My point? Even if you would "NEVER" have an abortion, prenatal testing is important. If, for no other reason than you can be prepared. Have the doctors and hospital in place that can deal with your particular situation. Knowledge is power and while ignorance is bliss, burying your head in the sand will serve no purpose.
When I first got pregnant with Kaycie, I joined an online group of mothers all expecting around the same date. It was fun to read about everyone else's journey and know that many of them faced the same issues and questions. However, after losing Kaycie I realized that I no longer belonged there. During my pregnancy with Prairie, I definitely did not belong there. I mean really...I just couldn't care about types of strollers or whether to formula feed or breast feed. I had much more important concerns. At first, I didn't even go near that particular website. However, as I got more and more positive news about Prairie I started to check in on it. I rarely posted but I read along.
The one day I did post it was after a group of women were discussing prenatal testing and ultrasounds and whether or not to do it. There was, of course, the uber-pious types who self-righteously proclaimed "I would NEVER have an abortion, so why test or have an ultrasound?" Needless to say, this irked me beyond belief. I posted my story and basically told them all to kiss my ass. Not nice, I know. But they ticked me off! Most of them fell all over themselves saying: "well, of course, that is a different story." etc etc.
Anyway, I recently went back and read up on the ladies birth stories to see how everyone else was doing. What I read broke my heart. One woman (who declined testing) found out at birth that her baby had serious heart problems and had to be air lifted to the nearest children's hospital. Luckily, her baby will be ok after receiving heart surgery. "Lucky" being a relative term.
Another woman wasn't so "lucky." Her son was born right on schedule and was over 8lbs. However, after a few hours, they noticed he was having seizures and problems breathing. They started running tests and what they found was devastating. This baby is completely "brain dead" in her words. He will never have any quality of life. In a hospital 6 hours away from where they live, they had to make the decision to remove him from life support and "let nature take its course." While I'm devastated for her, I can't help but wonder if the doctor's would have been able to find the problems using tests.
My point? Even if you would "NEVER" have an abortion, prenatal testing is important. If, for no other reason than you can be prepared. Have the doctors and hospital in place that can deal with your particular situation. Knowledge is power and while ignorance is bliss, burying your head in the sand will serve no purpose.
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