Two pregnancies, a major move, and 30 months later I finally brought home a healthy baby. What a journey. I can't believe that it was over two and a half years ago - almost three - that I decided to "not prevent." It feels like a lifetime ago. I've done alot of thinking about the journey and, if given the chance, would I go back and change it all. Not go through with it. Obviously the answer is no. If I did that I wouldn't have all I learned from Kaycie and I wouldn't have Prairie. It was definitely a long tough road though. One that I wouldn't wish on anyone else. I found the following poem and adapted it to fit my situation:
A Mother's Oath
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will understand more.
I will understand more not because of genetics, or luck or because I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have sat in the NICU and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at my surviving miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed her and that I am not waking from another nightmare of what could happen or because I am crying tears of fear of the unknown.
I will be happy because my baby is alive and crying out for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that my previous loss has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by a fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
Author Unknown (adapted by me)
Sometimes, success in life can only be determined by whether or not you survived.
...from saying goodbye to Kaycie
...to a high-risk pregnancy
...to a 6 week early delivery of a preemie and over 2 weeks in the NICU
...to finally bringing home a healthy baby
...I have survived.
Keri - this is beautiful. As I sit here crying (and wanting to steal your words), I realize how very right you are. While we have been through too much hell for people so young (or anyone really)... there is a gift in all of this, and it is that we will never ever take for granted the difficulties, the joys, the sleepless nights, that come from raising a healthy child. And you are right again in that we are better friends, and family members than we ever could have been because we get it - we get the looks of someone who is hurting, we hear the pauses when they go to answer what seems like a simple question - we see their pain. And I have found that it is quite an honor to have people trust you enough to let you into their world to share their pain. And I don't take that for granted either (as I know you don't!).
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this. And I am so happy that your dream has finally come true! She is just beautiful (both of your girls are!).