You wouldn't like me when I'm angry

This is a post that has been jumping around in my head for some time. I think I've tried to write it at least a dozen times. Every time I try I get so angry that I have to erase what I've written and start again. So, here I go again...

The word abortion conjures up all kinds of negative images for a lot of people. Second trimester abortions even more so. However, up until about six months ago it never occurred to me that what I went through with Kaycie could in any way be considered abortion. The first inclination that I had that something was amiss was when I went to join an online support group. The questions that were asked of me prior to being accepted were specifically designed so that only someone who has been through this would be able to answer them. Once I was accepted and joined, it only took reading through the boards to understand why. There are people in the States who actually try (and have succeeded) at hacking this board and shutting it down! What kind of sick person tries to shut down a website designed to help grieving parents through the loss of their child?!? American anti-choice protesters that's who! Unbelievable!

When I went for my level II ultrasound and had a specialist look me in the eye and say "I'm sorry, this is a diagnosis that is incompatible with life." My world broke. I was then given two options: induce labor and let the baby pass now or carry to term and watch her pass then. OK, those were my options, so now I had to consider the two scenarios. If the baby made it to term they would provide her with "compassionate care" but that no life-saving techniques would be used. My baby would be born with a do-not-resuscitate order already written for her. They would give her drugs to lessen her pain but I would have to watch her struggle to breathe and ultimately die.

BUT those same anti-choice protesters would argue that there could be a miracle! What are the odds and statistics on miracles? One every thousand years or so? BUT the anti-choice protesters would argue: "it is right to life from conception to natural death." To which I would argue, what is "natural" about watching your own child struggle to breathe and then die in your arms? If my child were on life-support, at some point I would have to make the informed decision to let them go. This was no different. By choosing to be induced I was removing my child from life support to pass in the most humane and pain free way possible. No decision I made was going to change the outcome for Kaycie. I had to make the best choice out of two horrible choices. Who among you really would choose differently?

The very vocal anti-choice protesters would have many of us believe that every woman should choose to bring every single baby into this world. How many of them have sat in that chair and heard the words "diagnosis incompatible with life." As far as I'm concerned only those that have should have a voice in this debate. 98% of women facing a poor or fatal prenatal diagnosis will decide to terminate the pregnancy. Either through D&E or, like myself, through labor and delivery. The remaining 2%...I can't speak for them. Maybe they hoped for a miracle, maybe their personal moral or religious views caused them to carry to term. Those 2%...where is this voice in the debate? The ones that do speak out overwhelmingly say the same thing: "Although this is what we decided, we would never judge another woman in the same shoes for making a different choice." Because they know how it feels.

So here is my advice to anti-choice protesters who dare to attack any woman grieving the loss of her child:

Take your pious, holier-than-thou attitude and try and do something constructive with your twenty-four hours in a day. Don't strain yourself trying to pat yourself on the back imagining what you might do. Adopt a special needs child. Give all of your disposable income to helping families with special needs children. Look long and hard at your own life before you start shouting at others (glass houses and all that). Reread that bible that you love thumping so much because I'm pretty sure there's a verse in there somewhere about not judging others. Set up an online support group for all children abused by religious leaders - I think that's something that's been in the news lately. Here's my last piece of advice: get out of my face. I'm a grieving mother and you're pissing me off! If you think I won't speak out, that I won't protect those who need to grieve in privacy, that I won't tell my story to every talk show and news outlet that will listen, you're even crazier than I thought. Don't pick a fight with someone who might actually take you on.

That old saying hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Let me tell you, a scorned woman has nothing on me.