I think that quote perfectly sums up how I feel. When I was pregnant with Kaycie and still blissfully ignorant of the bad things that could happen, I felt so special. Like I was part of a club. Once I started showing, strangers would smile at me, hold doors open for me, offer to carry my groceries for me, just be nicer to me in general. Now I feel like snarling at people. Don’t be nice to me! Don’t treat me any differently! Don’t you know this could end at any moment!?!
Today I am 8 weeks pregnant and I have no idea if I’m having a baby – or an abortion. According to the research I’ve done online (yes…I know google is not my friend.) soft markers can be seen at the 11 week ultrasound. Markers that would indicate whether further testing is required or if all looks normal. I’m usually a very optimistic person. Able to see the positive side of almost everything. Not this time. I’m just assuming when I go for that ultrasound they’re going to tell me one of two things. Either a) there is no heartbeat or b) there are “problems.” Yasmin asked me a couple of weeks ago: “But what if it all works out perfectly?” That is not an option in my mind. Everyone and their dog could tell me it is, but in my head…it’s just not going to happen.
In fact, I’m pretty sure this is what it’s going to look like when Yasmin tries to make me walk inside that ultrasound clinic: (keeping with the horse theme here!)
Last year when I found out about Kaycie’s diagnosis, I had to dig deep into my well of courage in order to do what needed to be done. So many days after that required me to dip further into that well of courage. Going back to work, Kaycie’s estimated due date, the holiday season etc. Digging even deeper into that well I had to find the courage to toss out the birth control pills and try again. Now, in order to get through this ultrasound I’m going to have to dig down to the bottom of that well to find enough courage. It’s not bottomless. At what point am I going to reach in there and nothing will be left?
In my head - 8 weeks is a big milestone (I don't know why... maybe it is because it is one whole month of knowing you are pregnant). So, as hard as it is, try to celebrate, even if it is with just a smile or one happy little moment, that you passed one milestone. Next one up - the ultrasound. Trust me, there is nothing in life as awful as ultrasounds (to us baby-loss mommies that is). But you are strong, and you will get through it. And the rest of us can think happy thoughts for you if you aren't ready to go there yet (which is perfectly normal!).
ReplyDeleteThinking about you - and always, always sending happy thoughts your way!
-Katie
At some point there will be a happy beginning and I think this is your time. I will send you all of my strength I can to help you make it through those doors to the ultrasound.
ReplyDelete"Courage" means the strength to face danger or take challenges.It is the ability of a person to face the unexpected, the unimaginable with bravery. It is a quality of spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear. This virtue isn't present in a person since birth but can be developed and nutured gradually with time. Unfortuantly usually it is developed through great pain! Pain that you have experienced. This virtue helps a person be strong enough to face all the lows of life boldly. I feel sometime to be couragous you need to fall apart first. To have something happen so terrible but yet get back up and say'bring it on'. This is a wonderful virtue but I feel few truly have it.If they do I feel for all of them too,since they have experienced great pain. But yet honour them because they got back up.
ReplyDeleteYou write about digging deeper and deeper into your well of courage.I can not answer when that well will be empty and when you will reach into emptiness.But I do believe you will never need to find out.If you do get to that point it will be when 'what mine is yours'comes into play. YOU WILL REACH INTO MINE! You will grab the biggest, best chunk of courage and 'whip ass' you ever did grab!It will be my hand, my heart that will guide you up to the surface. There where you will breath again!There where you will fill up your well and do it again.
As the horse was your theme,so is my quote LOL
"Courage is being scared to death-but saddling up anyway." John Wayne
You must start believing my friend that good things can happened to you. This may only be the beginning!