Babyloss Meme

This meme (I have yet to figure out what a "meme" really is although I hear the word alot lately) is going around various blogs with invitations to all babyloss mothers and fathers to copy and add their own answers. I've been feeling really down and melancholy lately so I thought I would give it a try. For any other babyloss moms (and dads) that blog, please copy to your own blogs and add your answers if you'd like. The only way to make discussing baby and pregnancy loss less taboo is to talk about it more.

1. What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost?

I think the most important thing that I would like people to know is that when I grieve for Kaycie I'm not just grieving the physical loss of her. I'm grieving all the hopes, dreams, and plans I had for her and for us. I want people to know that I held her and that handing her back to the nurses was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I want people to know that I think about her every single day and I will continue to until the day I die.

2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your child(ren) and why?

When I first found out I was pregnant my first instinct was that I was having a girl. It didn't take me long to come up with the name Casey. Of course, I wanted a unique way of spelling it hence: Kaycie. I loved the name Kaycie because it was feminine without being too "girly." The middle names were a little bit harder. Ultimately I had decided to go with Kaycie Joy Peyton after my mom and Asher's mom. However, when we found out we were going to lose Kaycie I decided to drop the two middle names in case I ever wanted to use them again.

After my targeted level II ultrasound they told me my instinct was correct and I was having a girl. However, after giving birth, the geneticist that examined Kaycie informed me that she was actually a he. Looking back now I should have questioned that because it went against everything I knew instinctively. Anyway, at that point we went with Lennon as the middle name and kept Kaycie as the first name. A few weeks later my doctor called with the chromosome analysis. She casually mentioned that Kaycie was a girl. With the double X in the chromosome report, there was no mistaking it this time. Yasmin had already given me a piece of jewellery with Kaycie's initials on it so I knew I definitely wanted to keep the "L" middle name. I decided to go with Lily. I've always loved the name and I knew using a flower would give me a way to memorialize Kaycie very easily. All of this contributed to her very short name which took a long time to get: Kaycie Lily

3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your child(ren) seem to best help you cope with your loss.

For me spending time alone in nature is the best way for me to cope. Being outside surrounded by nature makes me feel closer to Kaycie and allows me just to let the feelings come and embrace them. I don't have to worry that I will make anyone uncomfortable or that my emotions are out of place. I can just be me.

4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst?

I think the kindest thing that anyone has ever said to me was: "The ONLY thing you have to do right now is breathe." It reminded me that it was ok that the house wasn't clean, food wasn't cooked, bills weren't paid and phone calls weren't returned. That it was ok that I had experienced something that was so devastating and life altering that simply breathing and making it through each minute, hour, and day were enough. They followed that with a great quote: "To bury a parent is horrible. To bury your own child is unnatural." The truest statement I have ever heard.

I think the worst thing that anyone has ever said to me was: "Your daughter is in a better place now." While I understand it was said with good intentions, it was definitely the wrong thing to say. What better place could there be for my daughter than safe in her mother's loving arms? The platitudes that people say when they don't know what to say almost always do more harm than good. Please remember that if you are faced with a similar situation the kindest thing to say is: "I'm sorry for your loss" and leave it at that.

A woman on my support board put together the following video to illustrate how it feels to be grieving and constantly hear these types of platitudes. Remember, we hear these things from dozens, sometimes hundreds of people. Eventually a grieving mother will snap!

You can see the video here.

5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet?

This is a tough one. My heroes are the thousands of other women who have gone through the same thing. The women who continue to go back to a website and reach out to new members to show them that they too will survive. The ones who take time out of their busy lives to help those who are in their darkest hour. The women who have shown me that you can survive and maybe, just maybe, find a little goodness in a terrible tragedy.

The people who help me make it through the dark days? That would be my sister and Yasmin. The two women in my "real life" who are always there when I need to vent or cry or just be myself. The women who either console me or make me laugh depending on what I need. The ones who distract me when I need to get my mind off things and the ones who have held my hand for the last 14 months. I have no idea where I would be without them.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now?

There is something that I've both needed and wanted to say, but no, I can't say it yet. Maybe by the end of the year I'll be able to. If I'm able I'll come back to this post then.

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing?

When people ask me how I'm doing it is so easy and convenient to say "fine." It's what everyone says. How am I really doing? I'm struggling. I'll admit that. I've been dealt some pretty tough blows over the last 14 months. I'm still standing, but I'm definitely starting to sway. I just really want to curl up under my covers in bed and sleep for a week. Since that's not an option, I'll do what Zohra always says: keep on keeping on!