The Rollercoaster

I wish this ride was over. I wish that I was already 38+ weeks pregnant and ready to give birth at anytime. I wish I was already holding my baby.

Dr. M. called last night. She had the result of the triple screen blood work that I had done at the NT scan. As soon as she told me she was calling about that, my heart dropped. They told me they would only call if there was bad news, so I instantly knew this wasn't going to be a good call.

Factoring in my age, the NT scan, and the blood work, my risk of Trisomy 21 (Down's Syndrome) is now 1 in 20,000. Practically non-existent, so that is the good news! However, my risk for Trisomy 18 came back at 1 in 124. That's bad. Not horribly devastating bad, but bad.

So here's the good things that people keep telling me to look at:

1. Triple screen blood work has a very high false positive rate. Alot of people opt not to have it done specifically because of that reason.

2. Anything better than 1 in 100 is still considered low risk for T18.

3. Women have seen numbers as bad as 1 in 37 for T18 and still had everything come back fine.

4. The screening is most effective when done between 16-18 weeks. I had it done at 13 weeks. I was a little surprised that they were sending me that early, but assumed they knew best!

When I was talking to Dr M. last night she didn't sound too concerned. Even at 1 in 124 (or maybe 1 in 126...I don't remember) it is less than a 1% chance. However, anything worse than 1 in 200 they offer an amniocentesis. She knew I was scheduled for my level II on Monday and said that the "good" thing about T18 is that there are always markers that are visible during a level II ultrasound to indicate the presence of T18. Some of the things they will be looking for are cysts on the brain, clenched fists, clubfoot, increased amniotic fluid, and small for gestational age.

Dr M said that based on my numbers, if the ultrasound showed no markers at all she would be confident moving forward with no amnio. However, any markers at all and I will likely be getting the amnio as well.

I can't even begin to describe where my mind went last night. Sleep eluded me. I was back in my dark place again. Some call it "behind the curtain." The dark place isn't an evil place, it is just a very sad place. There is no sunshine there, no birds singing, there is no hope there. It is the first time I have been back there in months. I could feel it envelope me as if to say "welcome back old friend." It's so hard to explain. I don't feel scared there, just despair beyond belief.

"Stay positive" "think positive" "it's in God's hands" I've heard them all. There is nothing to do now but wait. 5 days of hell before I return to the hospital where Kaycie's diagnosis was confirmed. Same hospital, same floor, same room, same doctors. My courage is being tested once again and once again I am digging for it. I don't know what the purpose is of all of this, but if someone/something has decided to test me...to test what I am made of, they are surely doing a very good job of it. 623 hours to go...