When is it ok to be selfish?

Today is one of those days when I feel like a horrible person. I've been very blessed to have people in my life that I am close to and who love me very much. My sister, Tracy; my best friend, Yasmin, and my mom are my constant cheerleaders and my biggest support. Added to them are the wonderful "online" women I've had the pleasure of getting to know over the last year. Here's the thing though...I can't keep up!

My mom is recovering from her double mastectomy. My sister has a large brood of animals (two cats, one puppy in puppy classes and a horse that she show jumps with). She also suffers from back problems and the various other ailments that come from show jumping (quit falling off!). Yasmin has four kids, two of whom are under the age of two, runs marathons, keeps her house organized, has an insanely large family and is adding a puppy to the mix this Sunday. With my AHC ladies, some are - like me - going through a sub-pregnancy, some are dealing with fertility issues, one has surgery coming up next month, and unfortunately some are dealing with recurrent losses.

I need to talk to all of these women! I need to email everybody and get caught up. I need this both for them, and for myself. So why can't I do it? Because I'm selfish. Because I'm a horrible daughter/sister/friend. I can't concentrate on anything besides the level II on Monday. It invades my every thought of every minute of every day. I alternate between wanting to get it over with and wanting that day to never come. Just before my first ultrasound at 11 weeks I finally got to a place where I had myself convinced that I would receive bad news. While this may sound insane to many of you, it is the only way I could protect myself. To get to a point where I could say to myself "you are going to hear bad news, and you are going to deal with it" was the only way to make it through.

I need to get to that point with this ultrasound. The problem is that I'm an eternal optimist. I want to believe that everything will be ok. I want to believe I will have my rainbow baby. I just can't get there either. Instead I'm stuck in this horrible in between area. If I were Catholic I'd call it purgatory. I'm not in hell yet, but certainly not in heaven either. Most of my fear is stemming from the hospital itself. This appointment is going to be one of the longest yet. I have to be at admitting at 12:30 and up to the prenatal unit by 1:00. Hopefully the ultrasound will start on time, but who knows! The ultrasound itself will likely take an hour. That is a very long ultrasound. After that I'll have to wait while the radiologist and Dr M talk and go over the results. Then I have to watch her come into the room. It is that moment that is going to make me want to faint. That brief - but feels like an eternity - moment before she opens her mouth and tells me either things are going to be ok or my baby is going to die.

The emotional strength it is going to take to get through that day is inconceivable to me. I hope she understands that she may have to talk to me while I am kneeling over the toilet in the adjoining room throwing up.

So, to sum up, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm being so selfish. I'm sorry I haven't checked in on everyone. I promise to someday be back to my normal self. Hopefully Monday night or Tuesday morning. Fingers crossed anyway...51 hours...