Things NOT to say/do around a pregnant woman

I was going to include the words "high risk" before pregnant woman, but I believe most of what I have to complain about applies to most pregnancies.

1. "Long way to go yet." ~ Because I was anticipating this pregnancy I have known about it since the 4 week mark. I am acutely aware of how much time has passed and how much time is left. You reminding me that I'm only half way through it is not necessary.

2. "Wow you're really..." Big, fat, swollen...there is no way to end that sentence on a good note. Just stop now.

3. "So and so is due any day now and you're the same size as her." Yeah, that makes me feel a whole lot better. Could I just remind you that I've only gained 6lbs so far? I worry constantly about what I'm eating so comments on my appearance are likely to get you glared at. Unless of course you're saying that only my belly is looking as big as so and so's. In which case I'll remind you that this is the second time in less than a year that I've been pregnant, so perhaps...PERHAPS that has something to do with it.

4. "Should you be drinking/eating/around that?" Unless you are my doctor, midwife, or OB your opinion of what I'm drinking/eating/doing is not welcome. No one says a word when parents stuff their children with candy, burgers, junk food and pop, but heaven forbid I order a soy latte at Starbucks while pregnant!

5. Giving your opinion on names. Unless you were one of the two people involved in putting this baby in here, your unsolicited advice is not welcome. Unless of course I ask for it at which point go ahead!

6. Uninvited belly touching. Again, unless you were either involved in putting the baby in here or will be involved in getting the baby out of here...hands off! I am not Buddha and rubbing my belly will not bring you good luck. If you feel the incessant need to rub a belly, get a dog.

7. Labor, newborn, or infant horror stories. I don't care that your cousin's nephew's girlfriend's sister was in labor for three days without an epidural only to endure a c-section to give birth to a 15lb baby. I know newborns cry. Alot. I know infants remove their diapers and smear poop everywhere. I can't send the baby back so obviously I've decided that I'm ok with all of the above. Give me something chocolate to eat and shut up. We'll both be a lot happier.

8. "Is this your first?" A seemingly innocent question, but seriously, why does it matter? The ability to get pregnant and carry a baby to the point of showing is a miracle. Each and every pregnancy is a blessing. If you are asking this of a woman who has had previous losses it can make for a very uncomfortable pause as they decide how to answer. I think since this question is basically useless we should all agree to quit using it! Taking my sister's advice I've decided that shock value is much more fun than awkward pauses when dealing with complete strangers. That question now earns them the response: "No, my 6th" before I walk away.

9. "Are you going to have another one?" In the many years before I decided to have children I enjoyed more than my fair share of alcohol. There were many mornings where I woke up and said (say it with me, you know what's coming...): "I'm never drinking again!" Going through a high-risk pregnancy (and any pregnancy I'm sure) is really stressful. I'm barely making it through the wait between appointments, never mind digging up the courage to do this again! One pregnancy at a time my friends. Maybe, like a hangover, I'll eventually forget how stressful this was.

10. "What are you having?" Well, I was hoping for a puppy but apparently my doctors tell me that's an impossibility. In which case I'll just settle for whatever pops out. This question becomes even more redundant once the mother/parents have been through a devastating loss. You have no idea what we've been through to get this far and couldn't really care less about gender. Healthy and normal are the only words we want attributed to our growing baby. The rest is just icing on the cake.

To sum up, remember what you learned in grade school...think before you speak and you'll be fine! Not thinking could earn you an earful from an uncomfortable hormonal woman. Speak at your own risk.