To whom it may concern...

Dear Future Boyfriend/Husband,

Please accept my sincere apologizes for the interview process you will have to endure prior to me spending time with you. After a few spectacularly failed relationships I have come up with the following criteria for the man in my life. Luckily for you the losers previous men in my life have set the bar remarkably low.

1. Please don't be afraid of commitment. While I am not looking to rush into anything, a guy with serious commitment issues should keep walking. Fear of commitment was annoying cute when we were all 18. It is no longer endearing. It doesn't make you edgy or rebellious, it tells me you either have serious mental issues or serious mommy issues. Neither is appealing.

2. Be nice to my friends, family, pets, and child/children. This one is a deal breaker. All of the above have been here long before you and are the first loves of my life. A bad word about any of them is likely to have me walking out the door and not looking back.

3. Know how to please a woman. As I am only interested in men older than me I would like to assume that by this age you have figured out your way around the bedroom (or kitchen or den or office or...). If you haven't, I will once again assume that you have serious mommy issues and need psychiatric help.

4. Do not be a couch potato. Watching football for three hours on a Sunday afternoon is fine. Watching football for 12 hours on a Sunday while yelling at the television set is obsessive and weird.


5. Enjoy the outdoors. We live in a province that boasts that highest number of lakes anywhere in the world. If you don't want to take advantage of the very brief summer we have I will assume you are lazy and boring.

6. Be healthy but don't be afraid to let loose. Exercise and a good diet are important but if you can't embrace a day of junk food and movies you and I are likely not going to get along very well.

7. Have your own set of friends. Time apart is essential for a good relationship. However if your friends are all single and trying to re-live their frat boy days I will once again assume you have issues.

8. Do not have uncontrollable fits of rage. If you haven't learned by this age to talk things over as an adult you likely never will. I have enough children in my life and don't need a full grown one. Remember: Keep the fighting clean and the sex dirty!

9. If...if...IF I ever decide to give you the amazing gift of a baby, do not break up with me when I tell you the news. A hug would suffice, flowers would be better, jewellery is your best bet.

10. Take care of your appearance. If your hair line is receding at an alarming rate, chances are I've noticed. Embrace the baldness and just get rid of it. You will look sexier. At the gym you may focus on your pecs but your stomach muscles that form a V on either hip and lead to the promised land make women ovulate on sight. Make sure to cut your nails and toenails, but if either are nicer than mine I'm going to once again assume you have issues.

11. Please don't have a criminal record. I want to travel and your inability to get a passport will only annoy me. No, I don't want to travel without you. I want to share the wonders of Greece and the beauty of Central America with someone I care about.

12. Please have good table manners. Know which fork to use when. If you don't know, google it. Seriously. Don't chew with your mouth open and slurp your soup. These should have been the least of things your mother taught you when you were growing up. I like nice restaurants and would like to not be embarrassed in public.

13. A little jealousy is healthy and good. It also makes me feel special. If however, I have to fear for the physical safety of any guy who so much as says "hi" to me, we are going to have a problem.

14. When choosing a nickname for me always reference a bread box in your mind. If said item is smaller than a breadbox (IE. sweet pea) it is fine to use. If said item is larger than a breadbox (IE. garborator) it is not OK and will likely get said breadbox thrown at you.

15. Chivalry is not dead. Holding a door open for me, helping me with my jacket and pulling out my chair for me in fancy restaurants will not emasculate you or make you "my bitch." It shows respect and makes me feel appreciated. Learn to do it well and not awkwardly.

16. Flowers are a sure fire way to get what you want but use them wisely. If you buy me flowers after a fight and I'm still mad at you I will likely chop them up and make potpourri. One hand picked wildflower is often more effective than a dozen long stem red roses. Flowers "just because" are the preferred reason for receiving them.

17. Be able to drink socially. Yes, getting "wasted" with your friends has grown old and tiresome but if you can't let loose with a close group of friends then you will bore me very quickly.

18. "Grab your jacket and hop in my pick up truck" is not sexy. "Pack a bag and grab your passport" is. Just sayin'.

19. Sometimes I cry. Do not panic and race around looking for the fire extinguisher. Tears are a natural release and sometimes happen just because. I don't need you to fix anything or do anything for me. Just let me cry. Stick around for the end result.

20. Because I think you're cute and want to give you a fighting chance, here's one for free: Prior to sleeping with me for the first time make sure you know my first, middle and last name, as well as my eye colour. Because I'm going to ask you in the morning, that's why.

Sincerely,

Keri

P.S. Good luck!